“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.”

― Frank Herbert

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Once upon an evening dreary, as I pondered, weak and weary.



There are some high, scudding clouds tonight but the moon is still working through.  The forest is lit up by it.  Sometimes, when it's this bright, I turn out all the security lights, but tonight I've left them on. The dogs are uneasy and I feel the same way. We are all getting old together, I guess.

I'm trying to be more forward looking.  I read somewhere, a long time ago, that if you look to the past more than you do to the future, then old age has truly grasped you in it's clutches.  I have a lot to remember, though, and other than planning what can you really do with the future?

My attitude has slipped some too. Recently an old friend wrote me a communication suggesting that I make some changes in my tactical situation up here.  He and I go back to the old Hermit blog, and I can't remember how long ago that was.  I think only Stephen, Matt,  Kymber and J, Commander Zero, Senior Chief, Glock Mom and Ryan are still around from that period.

As I said, his suggestions were good but I sent back a querulous response saying that I was "too tired" do keep plugging away like I used to do.  I feel like I've settled into a neutral phase where I'm doing well if I can keep my preparedness level up to what it was.  The truth, I think, is that I haven't actually done that and I'm not in as good a position as I was, say, five years ago.

   I have been trying to figure this out.  Part of it definitely is being older, but 63 is not as ancient as it used to be.

    I wonder if it's being retired. Maybe working, however odious my job was, kept me sharp.  Staying up here for days at a time may not be conducive to being energetically active. It's easy to lose track of the date, or the day of the week. Time just flows by and there is no sense of urgency.

 I do know that the deteriorating situation in the outside world tends to be depressing.  However isolated you are, events out there are going to have a ripple effect and eventually the ripple will reach us all. There's no way to just live placidly on without having to deal with the world.






 Least anyone think I'm getting maudlin,  I've seen this same process of introspection going on over at other blogs, written by people much younger than me and in different circumstances. It's not just a matter of one older man feeling gloomy.    David Fortier, well known in the gun community as a writer who's generally optimistic, said this in the latest edition of  Get Ready.

"As I write this, the United States seems more troubled and divided than it has been in decades. The flames of racial tensions have been continually fanned and the country is headed for a racial transformation. With an ever increasing tempo of bad news being continually broadcast, many of you are worried about keeping your loved ones safe. It's a worry I share."




I haven't felt this uneasy since Y2K was about to roll over.  That amounted to nothing. Maybe these times will be the same, but I tell you in all honesty, I think not.


Sent by a friend.   To the Bitter End!

29 comments:

  1. You are not alone, Harry. It is like there is something in the air. Or like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even some blogs that are usually light and upbeat seem to be feeling it. Here, I keep thinking if I don't keep at it, time will run out before I accomplish everything I need to get done.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't seem to be able to reach a point where I'm caught up. I've been doing this , full charge since 1986. More and more goes into just staying even, and not falling behind.

      I am beginning to feel twinges of uncertainty, in the face of everything that's happening. So many different things, all going on at once. It's hard to keep a coherent picture of what's really transpiring.

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    2. Hey Harry,

      (captaincrunch)

      Yeah' things are spiraling downward and accelerating.

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  2. Harry, I know the feeling. Nothing but horrible bad news here today I'm the Roanoke area with these two young reporters being killed by this gay black racist. I'm waiting for all the copycats to start especially the musloid variety.

    If tonight, your hear a tapping on your door, don't answer it.

    Can't be anything good.

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    1. ABC reported that. Stephanopolis went on and on about how this guy had been discriminated against because he was black, and gay . How he had long suffered from suppressed anger at this treatment, and how he had been traumatized by the South Carolina church shootings until his anger "overwhelmed him." I expected George would pull out his hankie and start piping his eyes at any minute. They did spare about 15 seconds for the two white victims, in a perfunctory way.

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    2. Hey Harry,

      (captaincrunch)

      one good thing was 'Trump coming down on Jorge Ramos" and telling him to 'Go back to Unavision"

      I loved that video. Jorge Ramos is like an unruly, Chihuahua. Bark! Bark! Bark! and Trump shutting him up.

      it was priceless...

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    3. I was just sitting out on the porch, in my rocking chair, listening to Rush Limbaugh. Part of his show was about that little creep from Univision. Univision is a spanish language network, so naturally Jorge is worrying what happens if we kick all the illegals out. His viewers would have to watch from Mexico and El Salvador, Guatemala and the other hell holes they came from. Too bad Trumps security guys didn't beat his ass and throw him in a dumpster out behind the buildings. Jorge has been making the rounds of the news shows, talking about how Trump is a fascist because he wants illegals out. I say, he can pack his plastic grocery bag and get out with them.

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  3. Sounds like ennui. I get like that too.

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    1. Part of it is that having tentatively decided to leave this place and go live in Costa Rica, it's harder to put energy into keeping everything ship shape. What's really the point? Part of it is the growing certainty that my kids will never come back here to live. I always thought I would hand it over to them, a going concern. And some of it, I just don't know. I feel washed out. I need to do something to get my attitude back in a proper pitch and to re-motivate myself. I haven't been myself since that run in with those apes in Chattanooga.

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    2. I hear you. I can understand the 'whats the point' angle if you've decided youre going to up and move anyway. I suppose one way to look at it is that until Moving Day occurs, there are plenty of days until then that could be the day Something Bad Happens. Still plenty of room for the world to go off the rails between now and then. I can really relate...Im going through tremendous upheaval in my own world right now and its hard to think anything like buckets of food or cans of gas are important enough to pull me away from things...but they are.

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    3. Hope nothing bad is happening on your end.

      You're right, of course. It will be at least four years now before we can move, and anything can happen in that time. When things are going down the tube at an accelerating rate is not the time to rest on my laurels. I just need a change of pace for a bit. Maybe after Labor Day, when the crowds are off the beach at Tybee, my wife and I can go down for a weekend. Or I might go up to Ashville on my own for a couple of days and visit the book stores and sporting good shops. Ashville does not have very many "Black Lives Matter" Morlochs so it might be a rest.

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  4. More and more, I tend to just give it all to the Lord, and if I die, I get a promotion. If I don't, I've still saved myself a lot of worry and effort.

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    1. Gorges, I've always believed that there were advantages to being religious. One of them is being able to place your faith in the ultimate triumph of good over evil in the ability and good will of a higher authority.

      For those of us who are not, we live and die by our own efforts and it's hard, sometimes, to have that much faith in your own powers against what seems to be an inexorable tide of evil.

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  5. Hey Harry,

    (captaincrunch)

    I sent you an e-mail. I did not get a response so I hope I did not raise your ire.

    " I feel washed out. I need to do something to get my attitude back in a proper pitch and to re-motivate myself. I haven't been myself since that run in with those apes in Chattanooga"

    Look Harry. We all get in situations where there is nothing we can do about. I almost got dilibertly ran off the road today by some idiot that was road raging (a long story)

    All I can say is your not alone. Everyone gets abused nowadays. I don't like it anymore than you but you still had the upper hand when you where in Chattanooga. Yelling, threating and boasting means nothing. You were not 'margjnalized or abused' because you still had the ultimate power over those Goblins.

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    1. I haven't gotten it. Did you send it to the old harryflashman21 address? I'm not using that anymore, it was compromised so while it's still up for some essentially mechanical uses I've pretty much quit talking on it. I use the Philip Nolan address now for emails.

      I haven't checked Philip Nolan tonight, I've got some kittens in a box on the front porch that are making me get up and go out there pretty often, and I've been on the phone with the kids. I'll check Philip Nolan here in a few minutes.

      Getting run off the road isn't personal.

      Getting insulted by sub-humans and doing nothing about it breaks the code. I broke the code, however good my reasoning may have been, and nothing can change that. I just have to deal with it.

      CC, I didn't have any power at all over those sons of bitches. I couldn't shoot them for running their big fat mouths, so I had nothing. But I've taken care of that, and the next time they'll be crying for their mammies, I guarantee that. Could be worse. If I were Japanese I'd have to eviscerate myself. Nothing less would restore my honor.

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    2. Hey Harry,

      (captaincrunch)


      I sent that e-mail to Phillip Nolan address. No rush on answering it.

      Yeah' the road rage incident yesterday was nerve wracking. When I talk about it sometime you will understand the person trying run me off the road, was one of those 'abused at the workplace' weak individuals taking out their frustrations on innocent people on the way home. Kinda like that 'black lives matter, homosexual, black supremacist dirtbag" in Virginia.

      Speaking about being abused at the workplace. Back in '97 I was living and going to college and trying to work as much as possible in a West Texas border town with gritty bad air from the Mexican town a few miles away on the other side of the Rio Grande.
      I had a great job on the weekends at a big truck diesel repair shop and during the weekdays I went to school. I was in between semesters and I got a temporary job for about two three weeks at an off campus bookstore that had on ties with the school I was going too.

      I was the only white boy there. In fact I was the only white person working at that store. I was in it for the money only. I spent all day lifting and carrying textbooks out of a hot trailer and moving them out to the floor of the store.
      It was August and a 105 degree's in the desert heat so I was sweating. Now I take about two showers a day and when its 105 outside and God knows how hot in the 54 foot trailer. I was sweating. My Mexican coworkers (all six) were all standing in the A/C in a corner. One of them went to a nearby grocery store and got some lunch and got me a bar of soap.

      They presented me with a bar of soap when I came in from the trailer carrying a stack of textbooks and were all laughing.

      I was pretty pissed off to say the least, but I thought about it. Im here for the money and I don't give a rats ass about those wetbacks so I did not talk to anyone and kept on working. I could not tell the boss what was going on because the boss was in on it too. After about two weeks, school started and I quit and focused on my classes.

      I got my degree when the Dotcom crash hit in 2000. I could not find a real job and worked two more crappy jobs at an auto parts store and Office Depot with more crappy, high school mentality, Mexican mental midgets for seven days a week.

      I saved up about $5000 cash after paying off my student loans, I moved from that border rat hole that should be used for 'above ground nuclear testing' back in 2002 (on the way outta there with all my stuff packed up in my truck, I kept looking in the rear view mirror visualizing (and praying) for a bright flash and a very large mushroom cloud rising up from that border town.

      I still had to 'claw my way up when I got here' and lived in a ghetto apartment, but I made it out of that border town, forever.

      Now I live in a house thats mine, I have two trucks and a bunch of toys and guy stuff In a beach town with clean air and the majority of the residents speak english as their first language.

      I paid my dues time and time again. I have been ridiculed, abused, mistreated. I heard racist comments directed at me from both Mexican and black goblins. I had some Mexican gang member neighbors break into a truck I had back in the early 90's when I was living in New Mexico.
      You name it, I had it. I had my honor compromised many times and there was nothing I could do about it.

      Now I am here, and the Mexicans are still back there (the west texas border town) doing the same crap they did over 20 years ago.

      I think Nietzche called it 'The will to overcome" I think its from 'The Uberman" if I recall.

      I think the root of 'Goblin Behavior" lies in the fact that 'The Goblin in question" has to 'lash out' at someone who has materiel items, and a life they can never achieve.

      Its a form of 'jealousy and envy"

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    3. I got the email at Philip Nolan. Responded last night.

      I thought the story about the bar of soap was going to have a happy ending, where you thought about it, and went back to your truck, got your machete, killed them all, and ate their hearts.

      Delete
  6. We all get in a funk now and then. Personally, I am getting tired of preparing and training myself and DH to always be alert. Maybe we have preppers fatigue. As we get older, the place here gets bigger. Hard to keep up. It troubles me that you and your dogs are uneasy about what is in the forest. I think the whole country is uneasy....waiting for something to happen, knowing it is not good. We stay holed up at home here.....isolated and reclusive, too. We like it that way, but darn, it is getting harder. We are in our late seventies, so you have a long way to go. Hang in there, friend

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    1. Sounds like we are sharing the same experience. It's good to know , at least, that it's a common experience and not just some quirk on my part.

      I have no idea what's got the animals on edge, but I'm sure there's some animal out there they don't know quite what to make of. If I had to guess, I'd say it's a mountain lion, which the state only recently acknowledged still live in the mountains here. All the other animals, my dogs are familiar with. If it is a "panther" as they are called here, doesn't both me any unless it tries to start attacking my animals. So far, there's nothing definite to hang that theory on.

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  7. Seems to me its more a "sense of purpose" issue. Happens to all of us. We all need something to provide a sense of accomplishment. Just need something that will keep you truly stimulated. Not just the daily grind but something that challenges you in a different way than you are used to. At this point in life most of your major goals have been achieved. You rose to the challenge and served your country honorably and for that we are all grateful. You built yourself a decent fortress to make you and yours safe. Raised a family, and by all appearances you did well as your progeny are reasonably well adjusted contributing members of society. But the kids are grown and doing their own thing. They now have their own aspirations that don't always jive with the old man's. I think it may be time to explore new possibilities to keep the soul stimulated and headed in the right direction.

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  8. Well, maybe I can forge an alliance with the Latin Kings in Gainesville, Ga. We will let bygones be bygones and they can set up a meth lab in my barn. I always did like "Breaking Bad" and I can be the next Walter White. ;-)

    I'm sure you're right, I probably need to go find some kind of penny anty job somewhere around here to give some structure to life. But I don't know what it would be, other than maybe working nights at our local airfield at the fixed base operation. I'd like that but I doubt they have many openings. And if they did, they'd fill it with the FBO's daughter's husband, even if he was a moron. Or especially if he was a moron.

    I'm not sure I could put up with a boss anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can't.

    Something will turn up to do, I've been kind of putting a marginal effort into reading the classifieds in the paper to see if anyone is selling a little sail boat, like a sunfish.

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    1. Airplanes and the scene around them is always a good choice. And just because you don't have a medical don't mean you can't fly. Plenty of folks around willing to share the fun. You just have to get involved in the scene. But it don't even have to be a paying job. Just something to look forward to. Perhaps volunteering for a worthy cause like Wounded Warrior project or the local animal shelter.

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    2. I've been trying since I retired to get any kind of piss ant job at at airfield. There are lots of little county airfields here. I even offered to work nights at the FBO here, and drive people into town to the motel if they landed after everybody else went home. I told them I'd do it for minimum wage. But they said not enough aircraft come in after six p.m. for it to be worth keeping the building lights and field lights on.

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    3. Unless it is a fairly active FBO with a fair bit of instruction it will be difficult. Most of them are just barely scraping by. I think the best avenue is to get in with the local EAA chapter and check out their events. That's were the recreational flying is happening. Meet some folks and then you can get your toe in the door. There is a chapter down in Gainesville. http://611.eaachapter.org/

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    4. I'm probably too old anyway, according to their lights. But I can park or fuel an aircraft with the best of them, and anybody can handle the airport advisory. You never know. We never have any EAA activity here. Sometimes we have a "fly in" on special occassions, such as last June 6th they had a B-17 and P-51 fly in so people could see them. The B-17 came in over my house and I was outside. I heard the engines and I knew something special was about to fly over, but I was astounded to see a B-17.

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  9. I, too, sense something unsettled in the air.

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    1. The Japanese have a saying " fleeing a tiger, only to run into a wolf." That's how I feel right now. So many things, happening so fast, that I can't seem to come up with a comprehensive way to cope with it. For someone with my background and personality, that inspires considerable anxiety.

      前門の虎、後門の狼
      (zenmon no tora, koumon no ookami)

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  10. "He and I go back to the old Hermit blog, and I can't remember how long ago that was. I think only Stephen, Matt, Kymber and J, Commander Zero, Senior Chief, Glock Mom and Ryan are still around from that period."

    Harry, there's probably lots of us anonymous lurkers that have been following you since the Hermit days. I've posted as Jack, Jumbo, and mostly as anonymous, but I've been following you for years. Keep up the good work, this too shall pass. - Jumbo Jack

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    1. Could well be, Jack. those people above all have their own blogs and we
      "talk" back and forth, so they are first to mind. I expect there may be others like yourself, it would be nice to think so. If you have a blog, let me know the URL so I can read it.

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